mY feElings everythInG

nOw i reAlly dunno waD to wrIte.. but fOR my pAsT fEW days.. eVerYtHing wAs fIne but last friday everything change.. i hate myself for oging down to rush.. i hate myself for not understanding his feeling.. i hate myself for controlling his freedom.. i hate myself for giving him the feeling that i dun trust him.. all this i just hate myself... i totally break down that day when he say those words.. i cry at rush.. i drink i blame myself for letting him go.. i should chase him back... i should try to talk to him more nicely... all this i just wanna sa sorry to him.. but do he undersatnd.. just one nite my joy, my happiness my everything was gone... i really feel so lost but all i noe is cry n cry.. i noe my sister was wif mi. even guo wei was wif mi...

TO: jace, koni,joey n the rest.. he never cheat my feelings, never treat mi not good.. i trust him.. i willing to give in everything.. i can see his care. when i was wif him i really very happy.. i dun ask for much.. i totally can feel the love. the feeling is very xin fu n once i ever had.. i dunno when will i be happy again even if i am but its all fade.. u all can see mi smile infront of him can be normal.. but i will break down anytime de.. but i dunwan to cry infront of him plz scold mi if i cry infront of him.. i dunwan him to noe taht i am a useless ger.. i wanan stay by him not onli now but 4ever.. he can dun care bout my feelings but i can understand his feelings.. i wont force him to accept mi back maybe he will feel better this way.. i rather suffer alone.. but my care for him will never change never.. he can send mi home all the way althought he dun hav transport fee. he will stay by mi when inside mu. but now he will never will le... gers u all noe the feelings. just like when he lost his wife n child.. i tell tell u all.. i can feel his pain i can understand the suffer he hav.. he was living in a miserable world.. i dun blame him for not liking mi but i cant see him to be so lonely without any one care bout him. i willing to give him wad he wan.. but r him willing to accept mi again?? i really dunno wad to do.. as his gf maybe i am the most lousy one.. i dunno wad i hav done will bring him unhappiness.. n bring back his sad memories.. i wish his wife can be alive now n be wif him. the pain he hav is like a thousand knife poke into his heart.. maybe worse den that.. but he already very strong le..

i believe his wife wont wan to see him suffer like that.. he may flirt but his heart already settle down by onli one ger none can replace her.. even mi. he may say i dun understand his feelings. but i totally understand. do u all noe when i was wif him i can feel i been wif him for many yrs. i really regrate i hate MYSELF. YYYYY am i so stupid i should hav understand him earlier.. i dun wish things to end up this way.. no matter how much i cry also no used.. but is just my emotion of missing him..if ever i cry just leave mi alone.. coz i need to cool down. dun stop mi for seeing him as i will noe wad to do.. mu i will still go. gers plz dun feel that his a bastard list his better den other guys. u all may think i am silly, but i am not. its worth it. i will wait de.

yesterday went down to woodland swimming complex, but i though is william ask mi go de but in the end is daryll ask mi go de.. i was very happy but the moment he call mi FENG i totally break down n cry again.but i still go down. coz i dunno y.. but i wanna cry again when he ask william to splash water onto mi wow u noe the feeling was like fire burning mi. he wont noe that wad he done hurt mi so much. also when i reached swimming pool he hold my hand lor. n say tonight go rush but i say i not going. the moment he hold my hand i though we r alright. but when i ask him who i am to him he reply : friend that moment i drop few tears but i still act strong infront of him coz i promise myself wotn drop a single tears infront of him. after that we went off, he buy the milo he ask mi drink i insist but he always used the matted 1.. 2.. 3.. den i drink liao..when he aks mi izzit i feel happy when he ask mi down i can say yes i am but i reply him that no lah because i bored at home nothing to do. i can see he still care for mi de but y he wanna hide it. when i say i never go befor to the 3 or 4th level he will bring mi go walk.. i sudden hav the feel again. but is just my imagination. after he go off le i went william house. i also no mood to go home i cry again when bording the train. i never feel so hurt so worse befor.. the worse i cry at william house lor.. my eye even cry till swollen.. even william also cry wif mi sia.. the feelnig really hurts..i never eat for the whole day accept befor meeting them. i sleep at william house at 1st they wanan go rush de in the end never go. i was so sad when DARYll went off so diff so hurt so pain i feel that we r so strange lor.. but the feel is still strong from mi. after i wake up i used william phone to msg him see wad tiem meet but he say he not gonig coz his sick. den after that i quickly pack things n go off to his house i brought a box of panadol for him i waited at his house downstair i msg him i was there just ask him to take the medicine but he totally ignore mi at all.. i cry again, that moment i reallt think we r finish le totally finish le. he dun love mi anymore me heart was so pain again i decided to wait for him till he com down but an hour has pass nothing returned.. he even never pick up my call. joey called mi say she com find mi. guo wei also got call mi ask mi go down rush he say dunwan see mi like that.. joey live near his house onli so i ok lor.. den i went down to his house i though of leaving the medicine outside his house den go le. while waiting for jory to com.
when she reached i ask her to acc mi up to his house i wanan check if he got take the med anot but i dident. i really sad. den joey say wanna call him. so she called n he pick up, i was crying again. she ask him to com out he reply he was sick n very tired lazy to com out. den she ask him u dunwan to see xiao feng meh but he diam no words com out den joey say she bring mi to her house den he say ok lor. wow i totally dunno wad to say at that moment but to leave his house. friends may think i am silly but i just do out of wad i wanan do. my mind tell mi to do so. i worry for him i scared he never eat coz he also never sleep well those few days. guess he should be happy now that i wont control him anymore he can hav his freedom le. he can find a better ger again witohugh a burden like mi.

to DARYLL:: i hope one day u will fold the heart for mi again. i totally understand the meaning of it. sorry DARYLL, SORRY FOR MY NOT UNDERSTANDING AT 1ST PLACE. SORRY. i cry again. i promise i wont cry infront of u. if u never even like mi befor plz truely tell mi. i am prepared for the worse. n i take ur promise seriously that we will get married 2 yrs time..but does ur this promise still valid?? i noe i will be very xin fu to be wif u. but at list once u give mi. although its short but nvm. thanz. but list now we r friend i hope to start everything from here. till the day u accept mi again. dun ever feel guilty. in this blog is always my feelnigs my everything. n i write it out not coz i wanan show off or wad. but how much i treasure u. u hav ur own problem i hav mine too. i dunno how many percent u given mi befor but i can say if there a chance i hope i be list 1% in ur heart i will feel happy le... at list 1% in ur heart.. i truely love u. i willing to change for u.. i will wait for ur call n msg when u r feelnig better or cool down de.. i will. dun worry we r friend now i wont take any advantage from u de...